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< The Great Hall ~ essay in praise of evil gits |
| zafania |
 Posted: Tue May 03, 2005 4:20 pm |
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Joined: 22 Feb 2005
Posts: 8
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this was just written for a bit of daftness really, apparently it's not a drabble, so care crystal said I should post it here, enjoy.
“Who would want Snape in love with them? That’s a horrible idea.” -J.K. Rowling.
“Girls, stop going for the bad guy. Go for a nice guy in the first place.” -J.K.Rowling.
I really just want to get some thing off my chest about the above statements by the illustrious J.K.R. Having lived with a grade A evil git for the last fifteen years (tall, dark, and evil is just sooo my type, unfortunately mine’s not greasy, but you can’t have everything), I have to partially disagree with the second statement. You see girls, the thing to is to pick an evil git, and keep him evil; it’s just a lot more fun that way!
I would therefore like to offer a few tips from my personal experience on first getting, and then keeping, your evil git.
1. Excuse the analogy, but evil gits are not unlike large, bad-tempered dogs: a Rottweiler, say, or German Shepherd. And it should come as no surprise, therefore, to learn that the techniques used in their domestication are similar.
2. Pick a smart one. He will still be male, so you can easily stay one step ahead. After all, even the smart ones still need to be partially domesticated. Although this must always be done with subtlety; if he knows what you are up to he will be grumpy and resist being properly trained, even if it is for his own good. As we all know, the Crabbes and Goyles of this world just aren’t worth the bother—you will never succeed in properly house-training one, you will spend the rest of your life picking up soiled newspaper, and trying to rub their noses in it. Is it just me, or does “crabbesandgoyles” sound like a sexually transmitted disease to anyone else? Every time I hear the name I have a picture of a St Mungo’s healer shouting, “fetch the ointment, Mildred, we’ve got another nasty case of the crabbesandgoyles here.”
3. In order to get his attention, it helps if you act like a complete bitch (see point no 1.). If he is smart enough he will hopefully recognise a kindred spirit and take an interest in you. Sweet little personality traits like deviousness, sarcasm, and random acts of pointless cruelty to small children and fluffy bunnies will also get his attention. But always remember, girls, keep it classy; you are after a pedigree, not a mongrel!
4. Once you have got his undivided attention, a treat like the occasional steak, or a nice belly rub will keep him interested. Evil gits tend to be a bit on the lazy side, though, so don’t take him for too many long walks.
5. I’m going to assume, for the purposes of this discussion, that Severus Snape’s family origins are in the north of England, after Snape in Yorkshire. In this part of the world, no matter who brings home the bacon, a woman’s place is in the home, and a man’s place is in the shed at the bottom of the garden. By the way, always bring home the bacon yourself, and don’t let him know about it; if a man knows that there is bacon in the house he will want a bacon sandwich, and do you really want to spend all day making sandwiches? Having a shed for your evil git makes life a lot easier if you want to keep the house looking nice, and he needs his own space too! A shed is not unlike a large outdoor kennel, they don’t normally come with chains, but you can always customise.
6. One of the advantages of your evil git is that once you have gained his love and trust he will be extremely protective. For example, I have successfully trained mine to growl at anyone that I don’t like.
7. Do not expect him to show his affection in conventional ways. He may tell you that he loves you, but it will normally be a one-off, and just so he can get it over and done with. He will, however, show his undying affection in far more creative and practical ways, so keep your eyes and ears open and learn to recognise the signs. For example:
Me: But what do I do if a burglar breaks in while you are away on your business trip?
Him: Just hit him over the head with something heavy. I’ll dispose of the body for you when I get home, pet.
As you can see, evil gits make the ideal man. Who wants a poofy little poodle like Lockhart anyway?
love and kisses zafania |
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| aphrodeia |
| Posted: Tue May 03, 2005 8:44 pm |
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Joined: 06 Dec 2004
Posts: 46
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LOL! Fantastic. Thanks for sharing this!
... wonder where I can trade in my husband for an evil version? 
Aphrodeia |
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| Nakhash Mekashefah |
| Posted: Wed May 04, 2005 4:00 am |
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Joined: 29 Nov 2004
Posts: 20
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I agree. I must trade in my current model; he's too much of a Lupin. 
Nakhash |
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Nakhash Mekashefah
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| Sparrow |
| Posted: Wed May 04, 2005 1:44 pm |
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Joined: 05 Feb 2005
Posts: 13
Location: The Wheat Fields of Kansas
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I never thought that my man wold fall into the "evil git" catagory, but that souds so much like him. Especially the "I'll dispose of the boby when I get home." comment.
Sweety's favorite pass-time is sitting in the mall and making snide remarks about the people walking past. It really is funny. Heck, even his sister wanted to know how I put up with him. I'm just glad he has good hygene.
Just thought I would share my good fortune in finding an intelligent, independent, sarcastic, irreverent man. They do exist. |
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Hurt heals, chicks dig scars and glory is forever. KKJ |
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| celeritas |
| Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 4:08 pm |
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Joined: 01 Jul 2005
Posts: 11
Location: Manchester,UK
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Okay, so they exist...
Now, where do I find one? |
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| cassiopeia77 |
| Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2005 1:35 am |
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 7
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| Mine is the embodiment of all the characteristics on your list......Ours is the classic May/December affair........never the romantic type (holding hands, if I catch him off guard), dinner out once a week like clockwork and back home to promptly lay on the couch while I fetch the drinks......once we hit the pub for a bit of karaoke with a friend and quite drunk, the great git finally decides to snog me publicly in front of the whole bloomin' pub....... and in another shocker decides to repeat the snog in front of God and everybody as he's getting ready to board a plane to holiday overseas for 2 1/2 months (It's a holiday for me from his mood swings, if you ask me ......... |
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| zafania |
| Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 10:07 pm |
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Joined: 22 Feb 2005
Posts: 8
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| well, as to where you find one, mine wa lurking behind the living room curtains, dressed as Frank'n'furter. not sure if that's any real help though? |
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